Reflections on being married for 31 years


Today I was struck by the math that I have been married for more than half my life.

D and I have been friends for almost 40 years.

The numbers have caused me to reflect on what has made our marriage a success (not always, but mostly). Paul Newman wrote the following to Joanne Woodward on the day that they wed and if I were to search for the advice that would come closest to our own, this would be it:


“ Happiness in marriage is not something that just happens. A good marriage must be created. In the Art of Marriage, the little things are the big things. It is never being too old to hold hands. It is remembering to say ‘I love you’ at least once a day. It is never going to sleep angry. It is at no time taking the other for granted; the courtship should not end with the honeymoon; it should continue through all the years. It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives. It is standing together facing the world. It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family. It is doing things for each other, not in the attitude of duty or sacrifice, but in the spirit of joy. It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways. It is not expecting the husband to wear a halo or the wife to have the wings of an angel. It is not looking for perfection in each other. It is cultivating flexibility, patience, understanding and a sense of humor. It is having the capacity to forgive and forget. It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow. It is finding rooms for things of the spirit. It is a common search for the good and the beautiful. It is establishing a relationship in which the independence is equal, dependence is mutual and obligation is reciprocal. It is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner.“

Today D left me a note on the kitchen counter which made me smile and his words have stayed with me all day. Tonight we will dine together at a couple of places that I have been but D has not had the chance to visit. The plans are not grand but I am as excited as a school girl. We don’t feel the need to give each other extravagant anniversary gifts but D often brings home my favourite flower on this day. I bought him a football magazine so he can read up for his NFL picks this weekend. He kisses me before he leaves our bed every morning and we often find ourselves holding hands in the night. We write each other notes if we are not going to be together and hide them under pillows or in toiletry bags. We’ve had our share of difficulties, disagreements and sorrows but we have had many more times filled with joy, laughter and utter contentment. We still love to be with each other more than anyone else in the entire world. What a feeling.

Kath’s quote: Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth— for your love is more delightful than wine“. Song of Solomon 1:2


Celebrating our 30th anniversary in Boston.

Live simply, laugh often, love deeply.

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9 Comments to

“Reflections on being married for 31 years”

  1. Avatar September 2nd, 2015 at 5:24 pm Jan Says:

    Happy Anniversary to you and Doug, and many more! We are honored to have you both as friends. Love you!

  2. Avatar September 3rd, 2015 at 9:48 am Kathryne Says:

    Thanks Jan. Love you guys too!

  3. Avatar September 3rd, 2015 at 10:08 am Pat Kapilik Says:

    Happy Anniversary Kath and Doug. I was thinking about you both yesterday, you couldn’t have asked for a better night to celebrate and knowing you two so well I’m sure it was absolutely perfect. Arriving home after 9:00 pm, Doug and I enjoyed the balmy sweet air on the deck conversing about the day.
    May the Lord bless you with many more years together.
    Love you

  4. Avatar September 3rd, 2015 at 10:10 am Kathryne Says:

    Love you guys too. See you on the weekend.

  5. Avatar September 3rd, 2015 at 12:52 pm Marilyn Thorlakson Says:

    Congratulations on your anniversary. I attended the Kapilik/McLeod wedding when I was still in the oven, so there is a looong history.

  6. Avatar September 3rd, 2015 at 3:11 pm Kathryne Says:

    Nice to hear from you Marilyn. Saw your sister at the family baby shower this week!

  7. Avatar September 3rd, 2015 at 11:38 pm Theresa Says:

    Happy anniversary! You are a model for so many! Love you!

  8. Avatar September 4th, 2015 at 8:26 am Kathryne Says:

    Aww shucks. Love you too. Did you see pics of your family in an earlier blog post?

  9. Avatar September 8th, 2015 at 10:19 am Erin Doty Says:

    Happy (belated) anniversary Mama and Papa Grisim!! All the best to you! <3

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